Thursday, October 29, 2009

Rumor and Humor

During a campaign season
it is likely you'll see candidates refuting rumors. Because my dad happens to be running against a moral and decent man, this particular campaign has seemed pretty tame in the public rumor arena. Never-the-less, I'd like to clear up some misinformation floating around town and maybe point out how such ridiculous rumors get started.

Rumor: Steve Clark likes beer.
Truth: Steve Clark likes root beer barrels candy. He's got a drawer full of them in his bedroom. Sometimes people hear things wrong. I mean not there is anything wrong with beer . . . unless you think there is something wrong with beer . . . like it makes your bishop frown at you . . . then there is something wrong with beer. But nothing wrong with root beer barrels candy--just old fashion joy in hardened sugar . . . unless you get cavities easily . . .

Rumor: Steve Clark salts his fruit.
This one is actually true.

Rumor: Steve Clark bribes people.
This one is actually true too. Me. He has bribed me before, and this is my testimony: When I was in my formative years I was frequently bribed for good grades, house cleaning and foot rubs for both parents. One time he bribed me into being a nicer wife to my husband. Shame on Steve Clark!

Rumor: Steve Clark was once an addict.
Ok, true. Coke-a-Cola. He kicked it to the curb five years ago and has never looked back. I lost my drinking buddy on that day. Sometimes I feel lonely when I am kicking back a sizzling glass of black death while my father enjoys his lemonade. I feel it keenly.

Rumor: Steve Clark can speak Cantonese.
Truth: Steve Clark speaks Norwegian. I heard him myself one time in Oslo when my mother was trying to buy a fur coat. If fur coats bother you and might sway you not to vote for my dad then please know his Norwegian wasn't efficient enough to barter a good price and we went home empty handed. But he can wish you a "God Jul!" and proudly say "Ja, vi elsker dette landet!" and other stuff he remembers from forty years ago.

Rumor: Steve Clark likes illegal aliens.
Steve Clark was taught to like everyone. Don't you?

Rumor: Steve Clark has never been shot.
Truth: Steve Clark has been shot. Twice, once while duck hunting and the other during combat training in the army. We are lucky to have Steve Clark still with us today.

Rumor: Steve Clark has a favorite daughter.
True. Me.

Rumor: Steve Clark was once rescued from drowning by Big Foot.
Truth: Steve Clark was once rescued from drowning by Mr. Carson of Carson's Market--now the Creamery on Ninth.

Rumor: Steve Clark will be a great mayor for Provo.
Truth: Steve Clark will be a better-than-great mayor for Provo.

Vote for Steve Clark November 3rd!

Also, new websites for Coy Porter and David Acheson were sent to me today.
Go here for information regarding these candidates I am supporting:

A bag of BYU sampler cheeses for anyone who can tell me what the name of Carson's Market, after it was Carson's and before it turned into the Creamery on Ninth.

*photo by the photographic magician Justin Hackworth